Drunk College Kid Covers St. Patrick's Day Parade For Fox News

"Photojournalist Chris Shaleen gave the microphone to a very merry onlooker and let him tell the story."

Translation: We gave a microphone to the drunkest guy we could find and let him yell for a while. We're glad they did, because this guy is great. He's just so happy to be alive and wasted at 9 am.